flinnie Funny Status Messages

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Nothing good ever comes from getting involved with the girl who can play pool incredibly well when she's drunk.

   Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.

   Looking into one of those non attorney spokesman gigs.

   Ever see one sneaker in the road? How does this happen? Does a jogger get home look down at their feet and say "Not again...lost another one"

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   One of my favorite things to do in my spare time is sneak into fancy restaurants and switch everyone's freshly brewed coffee with instant.

   This time of year when I order a Frosty at Wendy's I like to say "Not the snowman of course hahaha" and then things get a bit awkward.

   FYI: In the hip-hop community he's known as Li'l Drummer Boy.

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems. I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them

   Thanks for the advice, but I don't need advice. I need henchmen and a robot butler.

   New research says you can detect someone's personality from their smell. Turns out most people are jerks who punch you for sniffing them.

   Just told my Secret Santa I ran over a bum in Vermont back in 1995 or is that not how it works?

   I've been putting this off for too long. Tonight I wang chung

   Got in a fight once and ended up with a black eye. But you shoulda seen the other guy... Seriously, his form was AMAZING. Like a pro boxer.

   Library of Congress to receive entire twitter archive. Now your great great grandchildren can read about how much you pooped.

   Lady Gaga was at the White House today. The President was in Kansas, and willing to go further if necessary.

   Madonna picked to sing at superbowl halftime, cause if its one thing guys like is an old woman singing lame songs they hated the first time they heard them 30 years ago

   You'll never be around more people that want to kill you than when you walk into a restaurant 5 minutes before they close.

   "I got 99 chores and I ain't did one." - Lay Z