Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag, but I was born sychic. For example, right now you're thinking, "It's psychic you idiot".

   Women go for bad boys then wonder why they get hurt, afterwards the good guys are forced to repair a broken heart they didn't even cause...

   Just saw a 400 pound man holding a sign, "Will work for Food" I wanted to scream out "You need to take a vacation!"

   If ever you feel angry toward someone, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then throw a punch at 8. Nobody expects that.

   When I was a kid the guy across the street from us was in the Mob,really nice guy too,every morning he would pay me $10 just to start his car for him.

   This Just In: Jimmy Carter to skip Trump Inauguration.

   Got a hot new dieting tip for you. Just fill up your car's fuel tank and you'll be too broke to buy groceries!

   Jimmy Carter attributes peanuts, rampant inflation, and his Brother Billy kicking the bucket in being instrumental in his reaching 100 years of age.

   Diego Rincon is now morongon.

   Not to brag, but I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of the year.

   Overheard a lady saying she won't let her kid watch Peppa Pig because it encourages bad behavior like "jumping in puddles". I watched Road Runner as a kid and haven't blown anyone up with dynamite - yet.

   Alright we got Christmas presents out the way where my W2 at

   How is January this week, next month, &’ next year

   "Who's taking you home on New Years?" State troopers, probably

   Ending my year pregnant! Starting my year pregnant!

   there a sale on stupidity, cause that shi* is everywhere.

   The woke left? Without saying goodbye?

   One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’ His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’ He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

   This is my impression of Beyoncé if she was a carnie: “If you liked it then you should’ve tossed a ring on it.”

   One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.