Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget personalized ringtones. I need something done to my doorbell so I can tell if it's family, friends, UPS, Jehovah's Witnesses, or people trying to sell me sh!t.

   I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie

   Frustration 2011: A pic of several women. They're all tagged EXCEPT the only hot one.

   Facebook is turning into a social picture exhibition !

   They're now putting living celebrities on stamps… finally we can all get a chance to lick Madonna!

   It makes sense that Cain can't recognize these women, since at the time he was pushing their heads down to his crotch.

   There is no greater threat to world peace than an idiot running on the loose with a bible/Koran in his hand.

   Its such a pity that the Bible/Koran is not IDIOT PROOF.

   If I ever got the chance to name a Road, I'd call it 'Skin Road' Just so I could laugh at the people at number 4.

   What do you think of when you hear the word woman? I think of lingerie, stilettos, cosmetics, sweet perfumes, love. What about when I hear the word wife? I think of nagging, booze and staying out till late.

   There are 3 types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   There are types of women. Those who have power in the world. Those who have power in the bedroom. And those who have power in both worlds.

   Continued - "My friend is slightly retarded." Oh,what a fun evening this was.

   My friend came over to my place for the first time this evening, I said "Just remember,my grandmother is a bit old & hard of hearing. So speak nicely,speak slowly & speak loudly." I then whispered to my perfectly capable grandmother "My friend is slightly

   If your giving your all and your all isn't enough your giving it to the wrong person!!

   Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

   I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.

   You used to be my reason to smile, now you are my reason to frown.

   Ok gang, help me get in the loop. Is it considered taboo for Asians to drive vehicles other than a Honda or a Toyota?

   Ice Bank Mice Elf, say it out loud.