Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall.

   Bored? Update your Facebook status to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met. (sex and/or age unimportant) If by chance they do confirm the affair, deny you ever sent the request and

   Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day

   Ladies, enough with the mind games. If you like a boy, grab his hand and shove it down your pants!

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   Man Rule #4: Never let your Wife be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   Hey abusive men, It's a relationship. Not the UFC.

   Cosmopolitan ..is a sex manual for women..

   Sometimes you just have to take a breath ..... ;)

   the early bird gets the worm...but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese

   This years NBA season so far has been the best one I can ever remember

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.

   I'm not addicted to Facebook. I only time I update my status is when I have time: lunch time, break time, off time, this time, that time, any time, all the time

   There are people who are only alive thanks to the fact that killing is illegal

   It really sucks when everyone likes your status except the one person you wish who liked it

   How did Nancy Grace get on TV? She reminds me of someone who qualified to be an office manager of a mobile home park

   Back in my day Werewolves didn't fall in love with babies...THEY ATE THEM!!

   Galatians 1:19 But I saw none of the other apostles except James the Lord's brother.... Go to church fool

   Man Rule #4: Never be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.