Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Congressional Budget Super Committee has had months to work out the details on the budget and cutting the deficit but still no progress. As Gomer Pyle used to say, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!"

   I wish I loved something as much as I hate almost everything.

   Women complain that they can't find good men. They do find them but then they just put them in the friend zone and never give them a chance.

   To climb a ladder you must start at the bottom. Get a few sluts under your belt, then go after the respectable women.

   Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

   at lunch and saw a Mexican guy with a mullet. Negocio in the front, fiesta in the back.

   Disclaimer: By reading this status, you consent to hold no responsibilty to the owner of this wall any embarrassment from Laughing Out Loud inappropriately, injuries sustained from internal laughter, or any @$$es that may have been laughed off. 

   Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.

   Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!

   pulled over by the cops and they asked me if I had been drinking. I asked, "Why, is there a fat girl in the back?" He said, "Nope, there's two." I said, "Well, I guess I have!"

   If I could go back in time I would be playing recieve with your mom!

   The AMA does NOT reward talented MUSICIANS for making remarkable music, it rewards ENTERTAINERS for entertaining the easily entertained.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   "The Force" is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can't tell he is kissing his own sister?

   The most awkward place to run into a homeless person is on your way to a Coinstar.

   When it rains in LA it's the tears of all the unemployed party clowns.

   Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"

   People need to stop trending #LMFAO. I've seen obesity statistics, you're not laughing anything off.

   My "safe place" is filled with unstable chemicals and psychedelic teddy bears with knives for claws, so I guess it's kind of a misnomer.