Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are some people I would just like to high-five. In the face. With a tack.

   Great love makes us capable of great courage. Like getting married & giving someone half your sh*t.

   That uneasy moment when Edward Cullen and Santa Clause run into each other because they're both watching you sleep.

   If beautiful was an hour.... You'd be an eternity. :)

   says looking at the NFL schedule, the NFL needs to change who plays the Thanksgiving game. It should be Patriots vs. Redskins in Washington. Then, after the game, the Patriots kill the Redskins and take their stadium away from them...

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   Sorry folks, but until I get laid, I'm not thankful for s&!t this year.

   I saw your new boyfriend. So what happened to your standards?

   Guys do a pretty good impression of a meerkat whenever a pretty girl walks into a crowded bar.

   I almost tripped over a Parking stop and a little old lady says "Do you want my cane?" Very funny old lady.

   #OccupySesameStreet 1 bankers' corruption! Ah ah ah! 2 big too fail! Ah ah ah! 3 million foreclosures Ah ah ah!

   Tried to change my password to Twilight but got an error message saying it contains too many useless characters

   Ive been "priming" for Thanksgiving all week and now my underwear has become a tourniquet. Damn I'm dying. They are about to end up in my purse.

   a man is like a tile floor. lay him right and you can walk on him for 30 years

   Would it really hurt to use to FAWKING BLINKER PEOPLE!!!!!

   still rockin the kids table!

   I am thankful I will not be THAT person who decides to post a picture of their Thanksgiving dinner on Facebook.

   Dear New User; Facebook is a revolutionary platform. Don't bring your Twitter tendencies here. Here you are either funny and witty or you go back to Twitter.

   ...Every bankruptcy begins with Kay

   An Airline introduced a Special Package for Businessmen; “BUY YOUR TICKET AND GET ONE FREE FOR YOUR WIFE” After a year of great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking if they enjoyed the free tickets. All of them gave the same reply