Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Too sexy that if you go out with just one person, everybody will get jealous & depressed therefore killing themselves.

   What so sad is when you're trying to get over someone you never even dated.

   8 year old kids today have Facebook, twitter, phones, iPod. When I was there age, I had a coloring book, crayons, chalk, and imagination.

   Sometimes, talking to a woman requires a translator.

   I can think of 14 tweets about cat buttholes but I don't want you to think I'm insane or anything.

   In my family, we always celebrate 11/11/11 on the evening of 11/10/11. Like they did in the Bible.

   Facebook, I would be more interested in your recommendations about who I should unfriend.

   Hussein☑ Bin Laden ☑ Ghadafi ☑ Jerry Sandusky ☐.....I'm sending "SEAL Team 6" over to Sandusky's at Penn State to take care of this matter!

   I've finally figured out why they're called 'payslips'.... the 'pay' just 'slips' right through your fingers!!! :(

   I guess taking pics of your food has finally replaced taking your pic in the bathroom mirror? Great, now I get to see that you can't cook OR clean...

   I'm still wondering why people were so uptight about that meteor that nearly hit earth a few days ago....It seems to me we are perfectly capable of destroying ourselves without any assistance from an asteroid!

   It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.

   I don't understand why people are so amazed when I say that my grandfather survived Auschwitz. I mean, most German officers did.

   Girls: Theres always going to be that girl you think is much prettier, funnier, sweeter and just generally more perfect but have you ever realized that you're probably that girl to someone else?

   Q: Why are condoms transparent? A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!

   Penn State located in Happy Valley and they play football in Beaver Stadium....I so did not see this SEX Scandal coming.

   Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?

   just put your "Big Girl Panties" on and deal with it!!

   I love my wife, and God bless her for packing my lunch. But when you whip out a fruit roll up on a construction site, you get looks!

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.