Funny Status Messages

   What if they're not stars, but instead holes poked in the top of the container so we can breathe?

   Confucius say, man who gets high on rock, gets stoned.

   With the way 2020 has been going I couldn't decide last night if I wanted to sit outside to watch the meteorite shower or take cover.

   I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.

   This is embarrassing but I just noticed that I've been wearing "2010" New Year's Eve glasses for the past decade

   If the fine for not wearing a mask is $100 for the first time. Does anyone know where I can get a season pass?

   Hostess Cakes merged with McKee Foods, and now everybody wants a bite of Little Debbie's twinkie.

   Seen a women in the supermarket wearing toilet paper on her face instead of a mask and thought to myself Toilet paper - It's not just used on regular asses anymore.

   It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

   I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.

   Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez isn't hot enough to be that much of an imbeciIe.

   Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

   When it comes to getting projects done I'm a real pro..............crastinator

   "I can dish it out, but I can't take it." - Lactose intolerant ice cream man

   I just watched Discovery's "How It's Made" and, honestly, I'm never eating another urinal cake again.

   Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

   I miss the good ol' days, when no one had a clue what 'gluten' was.

   I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19

   My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.