Funny Status Messages
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I used to go dumpster diving but eventually concluded that my local swimming pool was a better place to do it. 
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I just had to run my daughter a second bath because the first, and I quote, had a hair in it
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Somehow, I don't know how, Obama gave Trump covid-19!
It doesn't matter who wins the Presidency. The entire world's zeitgeist (the spirit of the age) is going through a tumultuous change, and no man or group possesses the power to affect it.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Where can I go now to get a good vodka, steak and mortgage?
can you believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Look. If you've cornholed one chubby mama, you've cornholed them all.
Social Distancing has taken all the sport out of trying to avoid people.
Hope I don't get any trick-or-treaters this year as restaurants stop giving away fast food condiments.
"Keep your nose out of my business" as a whole new meaning towards people who can't keep their nose in their masks.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties. 