Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

   I told someone to question everything. He replied to me "even your conspiracy theories?" After that, I feel so confused all the time.

   He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink He drinks a taco drink He drinks a pizza drink – me with a broken jaw

   I’ve eaten jellyfish, pidgeon, and pig ear. I even sucked marrow thru a straw directly from a bone. But you won’t catch me dead with mayo on my burger because I’m not gross

   This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

   My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

   I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

   Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

   For Halloween I'm going to go as a normal person with no mask since that seems to scare the sh*t out of everyone🎃 🤔💪😜🇨🇦🇺🇸

   All those tree huggers should've let the loggers cut down all the forests!

   Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.

   If it could be arranged, I would like to die by being waterboarded by a soft serve ice cream machine.

   Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

   If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

   If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

   I’m the guy in charge of making the room smell nasty in the Glade commercials.

   My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

   A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

   I got so many steps at IKEA that my smart watch messaged me to ask if it had been stolen

   My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay