Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can hear my loving wife and kids scream at each other about who got chocolate on our couch while I try to hang myself in the bedroom.

   How Many Blondes Does It Take To Change A Diaper......................Ask Hugh Hefner

   I just had to use a can opener to get my jeans off.

   My religion combines Buddhism & Scientology, or Buddhintology. I believe in Celebrities & Emptiness.

   Brett Favre has thrown his hat into the ring to replace the injured Jay Cutler. The hat was immediately intercepted and returned for a TD.

   Just took my Doritos bag out of the trash because I saw one more Dorito in it. I wonder if Bonnie Tyler is still holding out for a hero?

   I accidentally hit a deer! Okay it wasn't a deer, it was a Smart car with fake antlers on it... and it wasn't an accident.

   New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.

   "Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics

   All these years in therapy have finally paid off people... My therapist just recommended I get supervision this festive season. I have always wanted super powers! BEST Christmas present ever...

   this chick 'Beyonce' lost her phone today She said its on silent. I was like, "If you liked it then you shouldve put a ring on it!"

   Facebook should have a limit on how many times you change ure relationship status, after 3 in a year it should auto-default to "unstable"

   FB should just stop asking me whats on my mind and ask "What kinda nonsense do you want to tell everyone this time"

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   Tim Tebow is staying in the pocket longer than the condom I had in Jr. High

   Lazy fact #254946156, You were too lazy to read that number

   Don't mind seeing a nigg@ with a hideous chubber white girl, but hate it when sh'e's hot.

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!..