Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 F'in Muslims tried to ad me as a friend!

   I can see you need a bikini wax from here.

   I guess people "check in" anywhere huh??? surprised I haven't seen anyone check into their girlfriends vag!na

   The one good thing I experienced about eating at In & Out Burger is it helped get rid of that gum I swallowed several years ago.

   There will always be a song in our playlist which we always skip, but never delete ... *LIKE* this if agree :D

   says Ladies; if you don't know how to dance, just spell your name with your butt. Problem solved.

   The girlfriend gets the wallposts, the hoes get the inbox.

   It's Britney Spears birthday. She's 30. That's about 57 in trailer park years.

   One could make a reasonable argument that the tot is the best part of the tater.

   When your hands are tied, backs against the wall & swept off your feet all at once it clearly means you're a hostage.

   Michael Imperioli is really pissed off about tequila.

   Someone told me that the word "gullible" was not in the dictionary. Well I checked and it was there! Sometimes people's idiocy surprises me.

   Still confused why we use soap and water to remove food from our hands, but just dry paper to remove sh!t from our a$$holes

   Attn: numbskull public bathroom users- would it kill ya to *Flush* when you're done??

   "Dude, She Called You Poor!" "OH HELL NO, Hold My Food Stamps"

   Right now you make about as much sense as an Alzheimer's patient applying for a job as a history teacher.

   I always bring some wire cutters to parties, just in case someone else brings a guitar.

   I'm smiling on the outside because I have a rainbow of pills on the inside.

   Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

   "The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they are difficult to verify" - Abraham Lincoln.