Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

   I told my wife when she turned forty I was going to trade her in for 2 20's. She told me I was not wired for 220!!!!

   Geez....Why do they only make hand creams that smell feminine? Why can't they they make one with a masculine scent? Something like Doritos or WD-40?

   Because you saw them do it in Animal House is not a good reason for anything. Ever.

   Currently trying to convince my drunken neighbor alligators are usually a poor choice for a petting zoo. Should be an interesting birthday party.

   Never assume your boss will find the dancing nude lady screen saver you put on the company computer as entertaining as you do.

   Why doesn't Lindsay Lohan just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap? I mean nobody has seen her since.

   Forget about wanting a *dislike* button added to Facebook. I want the ability to toilet paper someone's wall.

   Bored? Update your Facebook status to "in a relationship" with someone you've never met. (sex and/or age unimportant) If by chance they do confirm the affair, deny you ever sent the request and

   Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day

   Ladies, enough with the mind games. If you like a boy, grab his hand and shove it down your pants!

   Found a roll of "choking hazard" stickers, so far I've plastered my pants with them.

   Man Rule #4: Never let your Wife be the last one on your street to bring the trash bins in.

   Hey abusive men, It's a relationship. Not the UFC.

   Cosmopolitan ..is a sex manual for women..

   Sometimes you just have to take a breath ..... ;)

   the early bird gets the worm...but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese

   This years NBA season so far has been the best one I can ever remember

   I wonder if the person who invented trail mix actually discovered it when they were cleaning out their car and moved their kids' car seats.

   The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.