Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ask me about my attention deficit disorder or pie or my cat. a dog. I have a bike. do you like tv? I saw a rock, hi!

   Most dangerous question a wife ever asked her husband: "Honey, notice anything different about me?"

   I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep. :(

   ***** if you think there should be a "dude I wasnt that drunk" category

   ~• ~• ~• ~• •~ © ~• ~• ~• ~• SWIM BACK GUYS!!!! ITS THE BIRTH CONTROL PILL

   Why is that girls in tamp0n commercials dance and laugh? Shouldn't they be revving chainsaws and burn!ng sh!t down?

   The hardcore way to eat ramen: 1) Boil water 2) Eat block of ramen 3) Drink boiled water 4) Snort flavored powder 5) Fu*k B!tches.

   "I'd choose a lazy person to do the hardest job, because they'll surely find an easy way to do it" -Bill Gates proud to be lazy anyone?

   1600's: "Oh Dearest Romeo, I write to inform you I have received your letter and I've been left quite speechless" 2011: " K "

   Your such a slut. The only reason you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   To honor John Lennon's death, Newt Gingrich suggests hiring children from poor neighborhoods to clean Yoko's bathrooms.

   Someday, anthropologists will look back at these "mirror self-portraits" and refer to this time as the Bathroom Era.

   If money's tight this holiday season, a handmade card or gift is a lovely way to say, "Here's a present you won't like."

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same?

   It's so cold out, my nipples got to work 5 minutes before I did. Brrr...

   I see all these women outside in short skirts. If they don't catch frostbite, they'll definitely catch an STD

   Serendipity - When an empty glass and a bottle of booze cross paths

   Even ugly babies are still kinda cute.

   Safer to let my kids walk in Compton then let them go to VA Tech!