Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely.

   She has a body like baywatch but a face like crime watch.

   Help control the pet population, eat at a Chinese restaurant this weekend.

   okes about dyslexia are as easy as A, C, B.

   One of my daughter's just asked, "What runs in our family?" The only thing I could think of was "mental illness".

   Got a call from a Telemarketer, he said he couldn't understand me. I TOLD HIM PRESS 1 FOR ENGLISH AND HUNG UP

   Word of the Day: Philantropath (noun). A psychopath masquerading as a philanthropist. (See: Bill Gates).

   Did anyone ever consider Maybe the Day doesn't like being Seized ?

   Marriage tip: When your wife says you're only coming in to get one thing, always grab a cart, because she's lying. Follow me for more marriage advice.

   I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

   Do you think that Chinese tourists that come here are disappointed when they buy a souvenier and then see where it was made?

   It's wash day, and we're bringing the Maytag.

   Marriage tip: If your wife comes home in a bad mood and starts an argument for no reason like she does from time to time, just use this simple phrase: "My mom was right about you". This usually does the trick and stops the argument.

   The thing with older women is you never know whether you're in the vag or a wrinkle.

   Due to all that's been happening lately, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth.

   What exactly is meant by a "Digital Creator"? Sharing the same boring memes we've all seen a million times?

   I don't know what I'd do without Instagram there to show me unrealistic photos of women I never see in day to day life.

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged is one thing. Inciting a mob to overthrow an election is another.

   There is more than one way to skin a cat but the cat doesn't like any of them.

   Arresting someone for saying the elections are rigged just further proves that the elections are rigged.