Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing screams, 'Pedophile' like having curtains on your van windows.

   Without coffee and alcohol, we'd all hate each other a whole lot more.

   An important fact about women: They just want to b!tch about their problems. They don't want advice on how to fix them.

   We have all imagined walking away from an explosion in slow motion while putting sunglasses on.

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at the line for the rest of your life.

   You know, phones have come a long way since the smoke signal.....

   Earlier, I recieved a chain mail message that said that if I don't forward it to 50 people within 3 hours of reading it, a little dead girl will appear next to my bed at midnight. I haven't sent the message on to anyone. Looks like I'm getting laid tonigh

   "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love." sounds a lot better than "let's do it tonight, don't even think about how this will affect our lives later, just sex"

   The Secret life of the American teenager is less realistic than star wars. No father and daughter talk about sex that casually. "Hey amy, are you going to have sex with Ricky tonight?" "Well we're both emotionally & physically ready, so yeah." "okay, cool

   I think we all know a girl that pretends that she wants to hang out, and then when you try to set something up, there's always an excuse. "Where were you tonight?" "Sorry, I had an emergency hair appointment!"

   Thanks to ads all over sites, I now have 32 iPhones, 100,000,000$ and three dates tonight!

   I'm spending the evening playing Strip I-Spy with a Filipino lumberjack, a lap dancer with one eye and a transvestite called Betty. Just a usual Thursday evening really.....

   Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

   Why are you sending this chain mail to me? I'm dead from the last one you sent.

   Why does Obama give his speeches behind bulletproof glass? Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody/

   Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I'd like to read a medication bottle and see "May cause extreme sexiness."

   Instead of playing hard to get, play hard to forget.

   New rule: if you're watching tv and have no idea what the f*ck is going on, it's a car commercial.

   I am not really scared that the world will end on 12/21/2012...I"m just scared of what crazy things people will do on that day.

   I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."