Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I go to WalMart I like to wear jeans with no stains, a freshly washed shirt and shoes that tie so I can listen to all the other shoppers say, "Hey, check out the rich guy."

   One man's "trauma" is another man's "most hilarious thing I've ever seen."

   FYI: If you are ahead of me in the checkout line and you tell me that you are sorry but you will be right back because you forgot something I bet you won't be back faster than I can't rub your apples under my arm pits and fart on your french bread.

   The only Christmas movie I can even remotely relate to is "Bad Santa." And you damn right I want some sandwiches.

   You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.

   Just put Nicotine patches on my eyelids, now I can see noises!

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   I'm the guy who spits his gum in the urinal.

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.