Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "When life gives you eggs, turn them into omelets!" is probably a terrible slogan for an abortion clinic.

   When someone is watching you brush your teeth, you brush for longer than you normally do alone

   The decoys on 'To Catch A Predator' must have a hard time getting dates.

   See what happens when you push me, ________________________ I draw the line.

   That moment when you lose your black friend in the dark.

   Your ass is like a door knob everyone gets a turn

   If one more person I see says "I'll see ya next year" chances are, they wont...

   If steroids and other performance enhancing drugs are illegal for athletes, shouldn't Photoshop be illegal for models?

   Gay people are such immaculate dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   I'm starting to realize that Facebook has made more changes than Obama

   I have been teased by friends and family that I spend way too much time on Facebook and that I really need to get a life. I am happy to say that I DO have a life outside of Facebook, but unfortunately I have forgotten the password for it.

   Having a "20 items or less" express lane at Wal-Mart is pointless when your customers don't know how to count.

   Most women are open to anything in bed if you make it clear you're not going to get anything in their hair.

   Did you know if you say "beer can" with a British accent, you have also just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?

   3 things that should never be broken. 1. Hearts 2. Promises 3. Condoms. Sometimes the breaking of # 3 causes 1 & 2 to break.”

   "Mmmm. I like that. That smells nice. I'm gonna piss on it." - Dogs. And R. Kelly.

   Fellas: Let a woman wear the pants in a relationship. They are coming off later anyways!

   that weird momment when ur pet comes in ur room, stares, then walks back out.

   Giving people the benefit of the doubt is usually just a polite way of temporarily overlooking their stupidity.

   Divorcees: Because one man's trash is another man's booty.