Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone know how to open a washing machine door from the inside?

   I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.

   Ladies: If a guy is willing to risk his manhood by entering one of those girly shops just to buy you a present, marry him right away.

   Why do we only crave what's bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I'd kill for some salad"

   Why do fat girls put their pictures sideways and upside down? You are still fat at every angle.

   So is it the 3rd or 4th refill of water into the nearly empty liquid soap bottle that makes you ghetto?

   The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children.

   We blame society, but we are society..

   I love the phrase "we're expecting" when talking about pregnancy, because it makes it sound like there's more than one outcome - "Yeah, we're expecting a baby.......... but it could very well be a Tyrannosaurus Rex"

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   I would like to give a big shout out to all the pissed off kids who only get one set of presents a year because their birthday is too close to Christmas.

   Do you remember your parents telling you when you were bad, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Those were the good ole' days

   Kids 50yrs from now........."Grandpa sure tells long stories about AOL, CDs, and Myspace"

   Years from now, when our kids asks what's Myspace..."come sit on grandpa's lap and let me tell you about the good ol' computer days.... Once upon a time there was Myspace started by Tom, and then there wasn't. THE END".

   I wonder if "Sober Me" knows that "Drunk Me" can moonwalk?

   Teenage: have time & energy but no money Working age: have money & energy but no time Old age: have time & money but no energy! ~

   listening to Neil Diamond Christmas music...Man when he sings I feel like he is getting ready to really kick someones a$$

   they say money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a sh!t load of bacon and thats pretty damn close

   When you're sober you think twice before you speak but when you're drunk you speak twice before you think.

   Free advice: Never attempt to shave a beaver when its got a hold of your log.