Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Any woman who says, 'I can have any man I want' is lying, has no standards and no man wants her ass.

   I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.

   Screw a designated driver. I need a designated liver.

   Jehovah's witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.

   The DOT sent me the wrong personalized plates. They say ASSMAN

   you might think it's funny, but it's snot

   when I answered the door, the pizza delivery guy was naked. WT?

   To all d jerks & dbags, y'all are like clouds. When y'all disappear, it's a brighter day.

   My niece just made an "L" on her forehead with her thumb and index finger and directed it toward me. She has obviously invented a new word..."LAWESOME!"

   My wife said she was going to leave me so I chopped off her legs ..then she came crawling back..!!

   Why do people showoff by posting pics of the expensive and fancy alcohol they are drinking when at the end of the day we all get drunk just the same?

   I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.

   Treating a women is like tea time... You just let the pinky do what it wants.

   If you're fat and you are sitting down, there's a 100% chance your crack is showing.

   My head says, "go to the gym." But my heart says, "stay on the internet forever and eat!"

   According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   Wanna hear a clean joke? Johnny was taking a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.

   "Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital!"

   Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."