Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd appreciate it if the phone company just delivered the phone books straight to my recycle bin.

   TIP FOR GUYS: If you have a girl coming over to watch a movie, make sure to pick a movie that's not worth watching. If you know what I mean!

   Do strippers have nightmares about going to work fully clothed?

   Everyone knows someone that can't take the hint when you're trying to end a conversation with them.

   I like my politicians like I like my coffee. I don't like coffee.

   Ladies: Don't keep him guessing for too long or he will find the answer somewhere else.

   The only thing worse about sneezing while going down stairs with a cup of coffee is now you got to go back up and fill er up again...

   I'm sorry madam, but your clothes have to go...but you can stay.

   I wish I could select all of your clothes and press Delete.

   How come I always get the fortune cookie that likes to be a smart-ass?

   ha here I thought LMS meant lick my sucker

   I hate people who keep saying LMS on FaceBook. LMS if you agree.

   My belt is too tight on the last notch but to loose on the next one..FML

   Life is to short to remove USB safely!!!!!!

   Why aren't mustaches called mouth brows?

   childrens shows should really take into consideration that some kids may not have two eyes two ears and so on befote they sing about it.

   saw the new George Foreman grill in the store last night and the box says it can reduce fat by 42%. It's a lie...I leaned against the box and nothing happened!

   No, I'm not single. I am in a long distance relationship because my girlfriend lives in the future.

   White Kid: For Christmas I got 500 dollars, a PS3, and an X Box 360/

   I ripped a bunch of pubes out on the bus today. It hurt like hell! especially when the chick who I did it to woke up and punched me. :(