Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My soul mate is probably driving alone with a mask on. Come pick me up stupid.

   For all you people worrying about toilet paper, you could use your finger. You would be more likely to wash your hands, and less likely to touch your face. Hope this helps...

   Gas is so cheap right now, I don’t even have to shake the handle after I fill up

   Some guys should have beards - Ugly, overweight.. Some guys shouldn't - Good looking, like myself.

   I don’t mean to brag, but a lot of people have discovered how the unfollow button on Facebook works because of me.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   Whoever stole my glasses you WILL be sorry, I have contacts!

   Some people are so clueless, they couldn't buy a clue at Clue-mart on National Clue Day with a fist full coupons for a free clue.

   The president is offering cure advice with disinfectant to a country who require NOT FOR RECTAL USE warnings on curling irons

   With this quarantine order, I now understand why my indoor cat tries to run out the back door when it is opened.

   I am so tired of this virus I'm gonna ask my wife if that offer to smack me all the way into next year is still on the table.

   He also said something about using ultraviolet light inside the body. So I guess Dumbo crats are now shoving flashlights up their butts.

   What kind of idiot would think ingesting disinfectant would kill coronavirus? Everyone knows if you buy tons of toilet paper, you're protected from ever getting it, to begin with!

   The poor grammar I see displayed on practically every FB post indicates that home schooling is is going to have disastrous results.

   I'll bet they're busy at Walmart today. Moving all the Clorox and Lysol to the pharmacy section.

   My female doctor told me I'm really sweet. Well, she actually said I am severely diabetic but I knew what she meant.

   Wonder if I have enough things in my kitchen junk draw to build a rocket ship to get me off this rock?

   I hope he is right about sunlight fighting off COVID. I've had sunshine coming out of my butt for years.

   I'm just sitting here thinking about all of the people from high school that signed my yearbook that I have let down by not "staying cool"

   Gas so cheap right now I don't even shake the pump after I fill up.