flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Attention everyone: Jon Bon Jovi isn't dead, just his career

   Drawing sunglasses on the sun never really made sense to me.

   It's hard to get people's sympathy when your life is in shambles, mainly because the word shambles sounds so darn adorable. Shambles!

   Probably didnt think through the whole yelling at my boss 'Youre not the boss of me, Bruce Springsteen is.'

   I like big butts, but unfortunately I do lie. So really, I dont like big butts...Or do I? You'll never know.

   Despite protests, my wife has yet to step down from her post as the oppressive leader of our house.

   'You know what really pushes my buttons?....You People.' - Elevators

   You can tell a lot about a girl by her hands. For instance, if theyre placed around your throat shes probably a violent person.

   Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I'm getting tired of running and he's catching up to me

   I'm wearing “thongs” right now, but it's not what you think. I have some flip-flops in my butt.

   It takes 42 muscles to frown, but it takes no muscles to be completely expressionless all the time.

   If you use the word "Humorous" when you could say "Funny," you're just outing yourself as a douchebag.

   .it's almost time for my OBGYN appointment and I haven't even bought a doctor's coat or faked my credentials yet.

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   it's been a terrible year for my fantasy dictator league

   I never tip restroom attendants because they already got to listen to me poop, and you can't really put a price on that.

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.

   Fact: Guys don't like it when you compliment them on their gay apparel.

   To me the song "Baby its cold outside" will always sound like an attempted abduction.