Marshall the great Funny Status Messages

   There is a special ceremony for marriage so I think there should be a special ceremony for divorce too. One could say, "With this fling, I thee unwed." And then the congregation can throw all the husband's stuff at him as he walks out of the church.

   Just posted a hundred Father's Day cards, signed 'Your Secret Lovechild' to all the men in my neighborhood. Now all I have to do is hire a bus and pay a visit to the local orphanage to set Stage 2 of my plan into motion...

   My ex called me today. I told her she was on my mind a lot today. She thought it was sweet, really though it's trash day here.

   If she says "So I was thinking" ...be prepared to do some sh!t you don't want to do.

   Some say imaginary friends are for crazy people. Please tell me about Facebook again.

   Facebook is giving 'poke suggestions' now? Instead of telling me who to poke they should warn me about who NOT to poke.

   I feel bad making fun of all these idiots I work with. I still do it, but at least I feel bad.

   If you want to know whether a chick is a cvnt or not, just call her a c*nt. Nothing sets off a crazy cvnt like being called a cvnt.

   When I die I don't want to be in a casket at the Funeral Home... I want them to prop me up sitting in the front row... just to mess with people as they walk in.

   Had to have the 'Drugs' talk with the teenage son the other night... had to warn him how easily he could get ripped off...

   Starting a hammock company for kids called "Kid-Naps" ........and maybe need to rethink some things....... :-(

   Accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat today and I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying "Curiosity was here"

   My friend sent me a text tonight asking if I wanted to go see Saw with them. They thought the movie was sh*t. But that was nothing compared to my sh*t night sitting in a playground waiting for them to show up!!!

   Facebook now lets you put a star on a select group of friends.. JUST LIKE HITLER!

   Me - "Siri... Write me a status!" Siri - "M... Don't tell me what to do!" Me - :(

   Buying your girlfriend tampons is not that hard! Just wait until you have to get your wife 'jumbo diaper afterbirth thingies.'

   My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I didn't love her back. It's nice when problems resolve themselves like that.

   I just woke up pissed off for no reason..... now I know how a woman feels. ;-)

   Hey alcohol and aspirin companies... Have you two met each other? Team up all ready and make that sh*t happen! Sincerely, Hungover as hell!

   You know before Facebook, I use to call up 435 friends of mine everyday... just to tell them 'how much I hate my work and how much I love getting stoned.'