Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

   I wonder how many years it's been since she's let him see her naked

   I just read a list called "100 Things to do Before You Die". I was really surprised that "Yell for Help" wasn't one of them.

   The FAA & NASA have approved a manned launch of Elon Musk's Starship within the next week provided it's manned by Donald Trump.

   It's okay I can say ,f@gg0t I fck them

   Guilty pleasure ...I absolutely am addicted to the show Pop the balloon or fund I mean find love .

   I had the right to remain silent, I just didn't have the ability.

   He’s been marinating in honey for years. Don’t tell me a rack of Winnie the Pooh ribs wouldn’t be tasty.

   Please don't ride with me if you're going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   So, is Donald Trump going to slap a tariff on Mail-Order Brides from China? Asking for a friend.

   I never realized how funny I was until I started talking to myself.

   Life hack: Rent the same type of car that you own and switch the tires. Best $39.95 I ever spent.

   If you don't like Led Zeppelin, you're some kind of asshole.

   Common sense is so rare these days, it should be classified as a superpower.

   4 days sober! Not in a row just total in 2025

   If I got paid by the number of idiots I have to deal with at work, I could retire next Tuesday.

   Fun fact..The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.

   Fun fact... The pool on the Titanic still has water in it.

   If you think a bunch of billionaires woke up one morning and decided to have your best interest at heart? You're a special ***ing kind stupid.

   Where I come from, we drive ourselves to court for driving without a license.