Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two hundred fifteen pounds? More like five hundred pounds.

   But the baby bear said, "My porridge is just right. My porridge is just right." That bear's repeating.

   Little people gets paid under the table

   Social Networking: Facebook has degraded to displaying women's behinds playing golf and bowling?

   The worst marketing blunder in history was not putting cassette decks in cell phones.

   There'd be no reason to see a doctor if WebMD gave out prescriptions.

   I can't understand why women are okay that JCPenney has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   Disney World is a lot like Viagra. They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

   The way I just scratched my back on the corner of the wall, leads me to believe I would have been an above average stripper.

   What is the noise you hear when it’s really quiet?

   If genitals don't define gender, how does removing them affirm it?

   If you have enough leather watches, you can buckle them all together and make a belt, but that would be a waist of time.

   Take your age and add 5 years to it. That's how old you'll be in 5 years.

   Doctors and scientists agree on the benefits of an afternoon nap, yet still my boss thinks he knows better. Ridiculous.

   I've reached the age where I appreciate a nice handrail.

   The older you get the happier you are for minor things. I just wanted to brag that I typed "license" on my first try and didn't get tagged by spell check.

   What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron woman? One's a super hero and the other is a simple command.

   Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

   'We've all bet on a fart and lost' is the best example of the Human condition I ever heard

   To whomever hacked my phone and saw the naked pictures of me... Sorry, but That's what you get.