Funny Status Messages

   Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

   Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.

   The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

   We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

   Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

   Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.

   My phone: 58%. My husband’s phone: 7%. Me: Honey, I need your charger.

   Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

   People who make their cars come to a complete halt on top of a railroad tracks to look both ways to see if a train is coming need to stop!....I mean go!

   Joe B. to wife: I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

   As chickens are descended from dinosaurs, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets must be the ultimate mockery of what their lineage has become.

   You know 2020 is laughing at you when it tells you that Stormy Daniels collected more money from Trump, in 2016, than the IRS.

   Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first. For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

   People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

   In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

   Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

   My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier. So I’ve got that going for me.

   If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.