Funny Status Messages
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My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow. 
I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, Shark, Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him
I just cooked vegetables on my Foreman Grill....is that even legal....I feel dirty..
that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like
Why are the first tissues the hardest to get out of the box? I just need one, not ten...
That time after the break up when your driving and the only radio stations you are left with are talk radio and mexican polka.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned
Pack of gum, 10 chances to turn an enemy into a friend
In hindsight, allowing girls into our treehouse would have been a great idea.
Does a prostitute file pregnancy as a work-related accident?
Governments that try to control the Internet are SOPAthetic.
Girl says "if you dont like what I post then dont read it or delete me", now I'm getting messages in my inbox from the girl not understanding why I deleted her.
A team of researchers have concluded the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Obviously they were looking in the wrong place....
I should probably press charges on myself after the shower I just took.
My girl keeps her hair short so instead of holding back her hair when she pukes, I keep her boobs out of the way. I'm nice like that.
A team of researchers has concluded that the "G-spot" doesn't exist. Thank God. Now I can just focus on finding my remote.
Saw a Cougar wearing a Leopard coat, driving a Jaguar. It's a jungle out there.
The only thing more ferocious than a T-Rex guarding a nest is the too-drunk-to-dance chick that was left behind to guard purses.
I BUY all my cassettes at truck stops. Suck it SOPA
Some dude at the store was giving me googly eyes. I didn't know whether to be flattered or offended. Then I realized that I accidently went out wearing my daughters Twilight t-shirt. Whoopsie! 