Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love it when people see me reach for something on the floor and keep missing it like a moron. I quickly tell them I'm working on my aerobics exercises....

   Apparently "Because I'm smoking hot" is not the CORRECT answer to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

   Even when it's not the best of days, you can always tell yourself, hey, at least I'm not the guy who sank a $570 million ship.

   ..... He floats like a burrerfly and stings like a bee ..... I wish a Happy 70th ... to Muhammad Ali

   I just save a ton of money on my 2013 car insurance by converting to Mayan

   When someone says they're not on Facebook, I look at them like an efn 8-track tape :)

   A woman bragging to a man about her college degree is like a man bragging about slam dunking on a woman.

   My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. what wud you recommend?" "The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.

   I'm sorry, but any man who says his Wedding Day is the happiest day of his life has obviously never scored an over-head kick on FIFA 12.

   People sometimes say that 'motivation doesn't last', But neither does Bathing... That's why we recommend it daily.

   in A & E after swallowing Lego. They don't seen worried but I'm sh1tting bricks 

   Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee....today is my birthday and I am 70!!

   Obama to visit Disney World on Thursday. I was there last week and a Cast Member told me villains didn't make appearances much anymore!

   Like you've never tried using the Force to reach the remote.

   People who go to the liquor store and buy a pint of whiskey are poor planners… what are you going to drink tomorrow?

   Some people can rely on their personality for birth control.

   The three magic words EVERY woman loves to hear, “You were right.”

   Er, excuse me, Mr. Swagger, Either walk a little bit faster or buy a damn belt.

   Trying to Fool me is like trying tosneak Sunrise past a Rooster !

   happier than a Puppy wagging two tails !