Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to make American Idol Auditons worth watching, everytime Randy says "yo" take a shot ot your favorite liquor.

   I'm wearing my pajamas and buying booze at 10 am on a Tuesday…Yeah,,I probably don't need a receipt

   When alcohol does it's taxes it claims me as a dependant.

   "Lets talk about safe IPs. Let's talk about piracy. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things on your PC."

   I'm so old... I grew up in an era where you had to go to channel 3 to play video games.

   I would play right field and scratch my balls every night for way less than 5 mil a year.

   Gee honey, I would have taken the trash out.. But I slipped and fell into the lifeboat..

   Sweetie, we cant afford to see Beauty and the Beast in 3D. How bout instead, we pop in the DVD at home and I'll throw clocks and candlesticks at you while you watch it.

   Just bought a dream house. Barbie wasn't able to pay the morgage. Sucks to be her!

   getting stoned and trying to load the dishwasher is like real life Tetris.

   I"VE HAD IT UP TO BEER WITH YOU!

   I'n flinnie and I ripoff Tim Siedell

   found out today that "too legit to give a sh*t" is not an appropriate answer to a judge's question "How do you plead?"

   Stop with the blank and blank that you idiot

   Yo Italian Cruise Ship... I'mma let you finish but Titanic had the best sinking of all time!!!

   ██ ████████ ██████ ██████████ ██ ████ ██ ████ ██████████ ██. ███ ███ This comment has been found in violation of H.R. 3261, S.O.P.A and has bee

   Drfinition of 'vitamin'; What you do when a friend comes to your door.

   Hey would any of you would like to marry me for a minute? Better yet can all of you marry me? I wanna see if I can have multiple wifes on FB...

   oh no.....this woman in the Walmart express lane has Midol, Pamprin, and shotgun shells in her buggy.....Lord just get me out of her safelyt

   1f you c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r 8^)