Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this is just a temporary status...until I think of something better

   WINTER DRIVING TIP: Wait until your vechicle has slipped off the road instead of Texting while driving.

   Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what's your plan?

   Anyone know how to get blood stains out of carpet? Totally unrelated, but I also am looking for a new girlfriend.

   Angry birds are nothing compared to angry beavers. Those teeth hurt!

   I love finding money in my clothes…..its like a gift from me.. to me. 

   Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

   A relationship should be between (^__^) & (^__^) NOT (^__^) & (^__^) + (-_(-_(-_-)_-)_-) + FACEBOOK

   not been to his Farmville in so long I just found out it was paved and turned into a parking lot...

   The Korean version of "Marley and Me" was probably a lot shorter...

   I choose butter over margarine because I trust cows more than I trust chemists.

   One good thing about Alzheimer's is you meet new people every day.

   Dear recent college graduates, We like to play hard-to-get. Sincerely, jobs.

   Once, in 1998, I read a website's terms and conditions page.

   I hope Keith Richards isn't an organ donor.

   Unlike 'the others', I have 27 cats for normal reasons.

   No matter what age a man is, there is something about cleavage that is just hypnotic.

   I bet crocodiles are pissed off that "crocs" no longer stands for "gigantic vicious reptiles," but now means "gay shoe."

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note tap > Blackberry

   Women are cool until they start loving you. That's when all the drama starts.