Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how awsome would it be to get in a fight exactly how it happened in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video!

   Officer: anything you say will be held against you. Me: Big T!ts!

   Olive Garden says: "When you're here you're family". I won't go there out of fear of a woman resembling my grandmother running out of the kitchen and throwing a shoe at my head.

   If opposites attract I am obviously looking for a noble prize winner who isn't awesome!

   I'm single by choice... the girl I was interested in choose to turn me down.

   Why didn't God use the same anchoring system for head hair as he did for nose hair?

   if you change your status to "in a relationship", it must last longer than a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   So Angry Birds is now the most popular phone app in the world. It's basically a game where brightly coloured squeaking chicks desperately launched themselves at pigs. It's basically a Mancunian night club simulator.

   this cop pulled me over then asked me why I was speeding, I told him I was rushing to the policemen's ball. He looked at me and told me "policemen don't have balls" he smiled and let me go

   a parent should never name the kid "Lana"...just in case the kid becomes dyslexic

   According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of winshield washer fluid...please do not sit on the hood of a mans car...

   why is it that when you fart silent somebody rushes towards you to talk, hugs you, or sits behind you??

   Do something awesome, no one sees it. Do something embarrassing, everyone sees it.

   If a tomato is a fruit, then isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

   I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

   Humans are the only creatures on earth that will cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them.

   im not saying I did anythin wrong, but, this is omportant, can you get dna from human poo

   i took my dog for a walk, and well, long story short anyone know how to get silly putty out of a keyhole

   The apple only falls where you leave it !

   Dear Mr Sandman ~ I think you lost my address for some reason. If you want to bring me a dream you can deposit it in my bank account!!