Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Be careful who you call friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies.

   "I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh

   Forget Vi@gra. They need to invent a pill that'll make a girl like me for four hours.

   Dear fake profile with bikini pics that just friend requested me: 1. I have a great memory for hot chicks; I don't know you. 2. 52 of our "mutual friends" are idiots. 3.They're all guys......color me surprised.

   ATTENTION LADIES!, If he only wants your breasts, legs, and thighs; Send him to KFC;

   I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist" and I thought, "Well, that seems like a reasonable compromise...."

   Fellas: She exercises with a Shake Weight to perfect her hand job, marry her

   When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?

   I'm like a newborn baby when I wake up with a hangover. Unaware of my surroundings, sensitive to light and covered in God knows what.

   The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.

   UHHHHHHHH!!!.....UHHHHHHHH!!!!.....UHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!....UHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Oh, sorry; just playing tennis with myself.

   When I was a kid, I remember trying to stay up all night until the sun came up was such a challenge and so cool. Now its almost a ritual and dreaded.

   thinks peeple hoo dont no how to spel shuldnt make up status's for da hole wurld to see.

   The Allstate guy doesn't count as a black friend.

   The #1 song when you were born is a great idea, however, if they came out with an app that gave the #1 song when you died, I think I would stop listening to music

   HAPPY HOUR - Where the worst selling and nastiest tasting alcoholic beverages are sold for half price to a bunch of alcoholics too drunk to notice.

   when you have a fat friend, there are no seesaws..only catapults

   Ignores phone call* -Text them- “You called me?”

   PROFILE PICTURES: What people want other people to think they look like. TAGGED PICTURES: What they actually look like.

   Ever drive somewhere, completely zoned out, and wonder, ‘How the heck did I just get here?' Then start freaking out about how many red lights you must have ran. Yeah, happens all the time.