Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Our new dog is going to be the *best* watchdog if a vacuum cleaner ever breaks into the house.

   thought about being a gynecologist...i hear there's plenty of openings

   Go french kiss a power outlet.

   karma (noun) –when you use all the toilet paper without replacing it and you're the next person to use the restroom.

   Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Even with all your flaws the right person is still going to think that the sun shines out of your ass.

   Auto correct can go straight to He'll.

   Dear Internet Users, Someday, you're going to regret not reading me... Sincerely, Terms & Conditions.

   On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

   I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey"

   My girlfriend told me that she has bronchitis. I wish I had a dinosaur.

   Sh!t happens. Just flush the toilet and move on...!

   Im the guys she marrys, your the guy she only loves in a handicapped bathroom.

   HOSTESS has filled for Bankruptcy Protection !!! What is this world coming too? The Good News is the Twinkies will Outlast us all. I think the shelf life is um, Forever.

   Damn, you look better than ever. LOL JK, you've been hittin up McDonalds lately, right?

   Brb = looking for an excuse to stop talking to you

   not to be rude but, I really don't care.. like, at all.

   having his name changed ti zippidy do wap peddy pop