Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   Experience is cruel ! It gives the test before the lesson !

   To some people iPhones are like a religion. They don't know how it works, but it gives them something to cling to, so their life has meaning.

   i got addicted to nicotine gum..now I smoke trying to kick the habbit...

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.