Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things you don't wanna hear after saying "I love you" to someone .... "Thank you" ... "I know you do" ... "I think we should just be friends" ... "I'm married" ... "Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? How the f*ck did you get in my house?!

   Hate it when people post complaints on Facebook. Those people are annoying.

   "Stop flipping me off!" - Light Switch

   if love is blind, then letting go is like taking off the blindfold.

   The Soul Train has been derailed....RIP....Don Cornelius....

   Dear HBO, thanks so much for the porn every night, sincerely, kids everywhere

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...

   Just imagine how much play Red Box would get if it were pink.

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   ...it's ok that it's not movie quality!.

   I've been a fan of Ron Paul since his voiceover work for Smucker's in the early '80s.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   The next person to cough near me is getting a spork to their eyeball.

   Anti-Birth Control Christians should remember that when G0d said 'Be fruitful & multiply' there were only 2 ppl on Earth.

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Happy Hump Day This Sincerely, Those of us who work Saturdays

   how awsome would it be to get in a fight exactly how it happened in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video!

   Officer: anything you say will be held against you. Me: Big T!ts!

   Olive Garden says: "When you're here you're family". I won't go there out of fear of a woman resembling my grandmother running out of the kitchen and throwing a shoe at my head.

   If opposites attract I am obviously looking for a noble prize winner who isn't awesome!