Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The bearded lady, the guy with all the body piercings, the dude with 14 toes, the geek biting the chickens head off... Yep, I'm in WalMart.

   I swallowed a quarter once on a bet. And you thought fumbling through your pockets for loose change at the checkout was a pain in the ass...

   Just because I missed you, doesn't mean I wished you were there!

   Sweet as heaven, hot as hell, born to tease, taught to please!

   Alcohol: The Leading cause of rug burns on your forehead.

   Relationships are like TATTOOS. They LOOK better than they FEEL.

   I failed the quiz by 1 point, the last question was " where do most women have curly hair" apparently the correct answer was "Africa"..

   Yahoo news headline "Woman beats off rapist" Ummmm, did they make some kind of comprimise?

   I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice

   Love is never having to say you're sorry. Marriage is saying sorry especially when you're not.

   Fortune cookies should have more useful information on them… like… never feed tacos to a child you're potty training.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid.

   Wait, I'm still looking for a duck to give ('-' ) (._. ) ( ._. ) ( '-' ) ( ._.) ( '-') ... Damn, looks like I can't find it ¯\(ツ)/¯

   preparing for next Halloween..... Just ordered a pinata costume for his wife and enough sticks for all the kids in the neighborhood.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   No regrets when speaking what's on your mind !