Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.

   I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   Happy Friday dance ‎(((( ( • why • ) )))) shake'em

   Valentines Day is so fake. If you love a girl you'll treat her special every day. Not once out of 365 days!

   I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the tight ends.

   Just know that whenever your feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up!

   Fries, Chips...whatever you wish to call them, we Americans at least have teeth to eat them with. ... Say what .... Have you been to walmart lately ?

   When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.

   Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

   I outswitted the smartest person on the planet today in debate, then realized it was just anothr one of my personalities....

   On my way to the hospital. Just an FYI... Red Bull does NOT give you wings! It gives you a false sense of wings.

   Valentine's gift ❒Electric Tooth Brush ❒ Electric Blanket ✔ Electric Chair

   I'm not hungover, I'm just tired from a long night of drinking

   due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled.

   "Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch,it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size...

   Did you know, That if you yell "bloody Mary" 3 times in front of ur mirror at 3AM ur mom will show up & tell you to shut up and go to bed?

   It's bullsh!t that 1-800-PET-MEDS won't deliver medicinal marijuana to my dog.

   you know....I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader"....but I can buy booze!....so Booyah B!itches!!

   so....my uncle came out of the closet yesterday....Oh, he's not gay....he just has Alzheimer's and thought it was his car....