Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   My New Year's Resolution, like always, will be to avoid a unicorn herd attack. I have a good feeling 2012 will be the year.

   Santa has been cleared to enter US airspace. But he will be subject to strip searches by TSA. Since elderly people rarely file lawsuits.

   The worst part about getting a monogrammed sweater for Christmas is having to find someone with your initials to regift the thing to

   Whoopi Goldberg says communism makes great sense. Remember, she thought Sister act was a good idea too.

   I see UFOs every night until they turn into FOs.

   Feminist must be so offended every time they need to use a restroom and see the figure on the door still wearing a dress.

   In a post-Gadaffi world, Hannukah is the only thing that gets to have 4 legal spellings.

   Trying to look like I'm interested in what someone is saying is often the most strenuous thing I do all day.

   Anyone who recommends me for a huge job promotion has obviously never watched me try to untangle headphone cords.

   f you feel sad, remember: There are people out there right now buying last-minute Christmas presents for their cats.

   Just saw a man using a pay phone! In his defense, he seemed to be hallucinating and thought he was fighting a puma.

   Are we still saving whales? My basement is getting pretty full.

   Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.

   I was never that happy doing the neutron dance.

   A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Be on the lookout for hardened criminals.

   I miss the days when Disney produced cartoons instead of teen floozies.

   People who try to get on camera in live news report backgrounds clearly haven't been punched enough in their lifetime.

   The 4th rule of Fight Club is: Don't hit reply all to the Fight Club newsletter.

   You realize 30 years from now some idiot actress is going to be talking about the "challenge of portraying an icon like Kim Kardashian".

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)