unknown comic Funny Status Messages

   You had me at jello. Oh you said hello. Do you have any jello? No? Why are you doing this to me?

   I am strongly opposed to a representational democracy.... AND I VOTE!

   Took a quiz "Which Sex and the City character are you?" Turns out I'm the bus driver who splashes Carrie in the opening credits.

   99% of being an adult is basically just not being mean to people you don't like anymore

   My favorite part about being an adult is thinking about how stupid I was as a child for wishing I was an adult.

   I come from a long line of successful people. I decided to stop that tradition.

   Sorry I'm late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   Walk up in da club like YAY! I just reached my FitBit step goal!!

   Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.

   I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   Just in one of those “Curl up and watch 25 episodes of ‘Small Wonder’ ” kinda moods.

   FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

   The fact that there is a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic load