gay jeffery Funny Status Messages

   My dream job would be taking a baseball bat to the knees of anyone parked in a handicapped spot who shouldn't be

   Best magic trick I ever pulled was making a house a boat and two motorcycles disappear into bag of cocaine.

   I learned all my fighting moves from mortalkombat basically it's just me jumping and somersaulting until the other person gets tired&leaves

   I fingered you in 8th grade. I don't want to have a 15 minute conversation with you and your husband at Best Buy.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   If women want to be treated as equals to men, we're going to need to start seeing a lot more deadbeat moms and manizers.

   Going to a strip club in the middle of the day can be so depressing. Especially if you catch the end of your mom's shift.

   Look, unless you're not blind, get your dog off your lap while you're driving

   Toasters as wedding gifts don't make sense. If you and the person you're marrying don't have a toaster maybe you're not ready to be married.

   The most awkward part of going to a satanist church is when you get inside and everyone is wearing a snuggy.

   I'm glad the whole planking phase is over. Now I can go back to napping on the sidewalk without worrying a picture will show up on Facebook.

   I win a lot of arm wrestling matches because of my technique of looking my competitor in the eye while playing footsie under the table.

   The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

   I just found out gorgonzola is a type of cheese, not a dinosaur. Needless to say, tossing my gorgonzola salad was a huge let down.

   If you don't listen to songs you loved in high school while you're drunk & cry as you text your HS gym teacher, than neither do I.

   Anyone that says "time is money" has never tried pay for a beer with 15 minutes.

   Just once on Cops, Id like to see a shirtless criminal try to skip away from the cops instead of running

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   Just tried to park my car like Ace Ventura and now me and several other people are on our way to the nearest hospital.

   ok boys The proper response to give when a girl at the bar agrees to give you her phone number is not "wow, really?"