flinnie Funny Status Messages

   People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald’s scare me.

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   Everyone hates planes babies are just honest about it

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it's important that you lower your expectations.

   When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper "you did this."

   if I had a choice between ending world hunger and seeing a mountain lion play a guitar solo, everyone would eat but i'd regret it forever

   Fun thing to do # 86 Leave "this is offensive" as a comment under a photo & never explain why

   Fun thing to do #48 1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

   Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.

   Nothing is more terrifying than making eye contact with the guy running that mall kiosk.

   I call my fists The Nina and The Pinta because they don't land where I want them to.

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   When your boss asks why you’re late. Just shrug and say “thug life.” Bosses don’t mess with thug life.

   Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.