doc noland Funny Status Messages

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   Your yoga pants just say OUTSTRETCHED.

   Being straight means sexualizing some unusual inanimate objects, particularly beer bubbles and mops.

   Moral compass? Is there an app for that?

   So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.

   I don't have the blood alcohol level to deal with you

   Okla. killer dies after botched execution. How long did it take his victim to die after being shot and buried alive?

   Good rule of thumb: if you see an adult riding a children’s bicycle, you’re probably in a bad neighborhood.

   I tweet while driving to keep from falling asleep while driving.

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   Reflecting on my life... I'm really surprised I haven't been shot in the face.

   The car seats in your Neon really accentuate your gangsta lean bro.

   If you tell me you're gonna "hop in the shower," I'll picture you naked, hopping around in the shower like an idiot.

   Can we have a song about being happy that doesn't involve clapping?

   Do kids today even realize what great Buubs the Activia lady used to have?

   The Black Lady on the Pine-Sol commercial told me to disinfect the thing I touch the most... ...this is going to sting a bit.