andrew jackson Funny Status Messages

   I bet I can hold my breath longer than you. In fact, I bet you can't hold my breath at all.

   The Earth revolves around the Sun at a speed of 18.5 miles/sec and spins on its axis at 1,040 mph. So yeah, I got some exercise today.

   Me, to wife: "I don't need a shopping list, I can remember." * Returns from grocery store with portrait of Abe Vigoda and a yak. *

   And that concludes the end of the presentation. Any questions? "Um yes. Hi. Since I stayed awake the whole time can I have a raise?"

   Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

   Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"

   I'd like to give that Baltimore mom 10 min alone with Congress and a wooden spoon.

   When people ask where I live I always say by the sword.

   Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.

   Calling it Jerk Chicken is rude. Maybe it had a rough childhood, you don't know.

   I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing, to let me know when I am wrong.

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard weren't really royalty it was just the last name they lied! Hollywood is a liar!

   Some guy just asked me for the time like it's freakin 1993. "Hold tight good fellow, allow me to fetch my timepiece from my pantaloons."

   Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

   Paper shouldn't beat rock -- maybe smooth jazz fusion or contemporary country, but that's it.

   Just realized who in the heck did I get a more better grade in Spanish class then I did in English?. Doesn't make cents.

   Throw caution to the wind. Throw indecision to a tornado. Throw anxiety to a cyclone. Basically, If it's windy make real bad decisions.

   You think you love your family but suddenly there's three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.

   I love my kid but I'm still going to eat his fries when he goes to the bathroom then lie to his face about it.