Michael Funny Status Messages

   I'm going to name my first two children George and Trayvon and make them share a bag a Skittles. Its my little way of fighting racism.

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   BREAKING NEWS: The Cinncinatti Bengals have announced that they have entered into negotiations with the New England Patriots to trade for Aaron Hernandez..

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   Trending right now on Yahoo - 1. Kate Upton 2. Gisele Bundchen 3. Vanessa Hudgens 4. Wrist Injuries

   Just heard that Justin Bieber is planning his next release. Sources say it's going to be on some dude's back.

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   Facebook to roll out hastag suport over the next few weeks. #LookAtMyKid #LookAtMyCat #LookAtMyDinner #LookAtMeAtTheGym #LookAtMyFeetAtThePool #IHateDramaSoHereIsSomeDrama ..... There #ThatShouldCoverThemAll.

   BRADY: Sup. TEBOW: Sup. BRADY: What have you been up too? TEBOW: Studying the Bible. What about you? BRADY: Banging Gisele Bundchen. [Awkward Silence]

   I know I'm supposed to be outraged about this whole NSA phone tapping scandal, but I've got to admit, its a little refreshing that after a decade of marriage, someone is finally listening to me.

   When I was a kid my nightmares usually involved me going to school in my underwear. Now, they involve me going to the bathroom with out my phone.

   "Great, another three-day work week. FML!" ~ My Liver.

   Miley Cyrus named #1 in the Maxim Hot 100 list??? Its been a few years since my subscription expired, but when did Maxim become a magazie for gays?

   Girls, if you don't look like a Victoria's Secret Angle, don't expect us to care what you think about what we look like.

   apparently my wife and I weren't on the same page with what she wanted for Mother's Day. Who knew there was more than one kind of "facial"?

   After an extensive scientifc study, Chris Kelly (aka Mac Daddy from the 90's rap group "Kris Kross") has conclusively proven that wearing your clothes backwards does not provide adequate protection from drug overdoeses.

   Kris Kross will make you... Jump Jump. The Daddy Mac will make you ... Jump Jump. The Mac Daddy will make you.... OD in your living room.