KIsstopher Funny Status Messages

   Alcohol + Taylor Swift + Drugs = Ke$ha

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun?

   My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.

   I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.

   If I were a Caveman I would have masturbated in front of a T-Rex just to make him jealous!

   This girl told me that she likes men who know long words. So, I told her how ammaazzzziiiinnnggg she was.

   Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

   Gangsters in skinny jeans and tight tees? Where do they keep their guns, drug paraphernalia... and food stamps?

   Ladies; don’t get mad when guys stare at your boobs because there is going to be a time in the future when no guy will want to look at your boobs after time has had its way with them and they now look like raisins.

   The opposite of Viagr a is marriage!

   You without me is like a Tim Burton movie without Johnny Depp.

   How many slutty and nude pics did it take you to get that many friend requests?

   I swear one day I'm going to wake up with my phone shoved up my ass and divorce papers scattered around me.

   Best way to realize if you have a stupid idea is to consider who agrees with it and who doesn't.

   Don't steal things you don't need or want, like hearts.

   The only decisions I like to make are at the liquor store.

   There’s plenty of fish in the sea.. I just suck at fishing.

   Do not put a party hat on a cat. They are seldom in a party mood.

   Just because someone smiles a lot doesn't mean they're nice or they like you. Take alligators for example.