John Y Funny Status Messages

   Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"?

   Great news everyone...According to this pregnancy test I'm just fat!

   You people can keep blaming your weight/waist or tight fitting clothes on the holidays if you want, but I am not going to lie to myself or others. I was fat in August!

   You can think before you speak if you want to. I prefer to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a great new twist to a rather boring practical joke...

   Wouldn't it be ironic if you found out you were conceived on a pull out couch?

   When one door closes you open it back up...That's how doors work.

   The money I'm saving by not having a girlfriend on valentines day will most likely be spent on booze to help me through these trying and lonely times.

   Sometimes I just look at a person and think seriously,that's the sperm that won the race.

   Call me a critic but I would just about guarantee that the idiot selling seashells down by the seashore is a product of the No Child Left Behind Act.

   I remember simpler times, when George Michael was straight, Prince was gay, and Catholic Priests could be trusted with young boys.

   My medical ID bracelet says "Probably Drunk".

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   What you call vocabulary, others may call jargon, gibberish, lingo or slang...but its all the same to me.

   I made up a new drinking/card game. Its very simple to play, you simply draw a card and if its black you take a shot. Oh yeah, I call it Ferguson.

   I'm allergic to gluten free diets.

   Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!

   I'm thankful that everyone has finally shut up about this Ebola hysteria to let us all celebrate Thanksgiving.

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia should have me surpassing that doped up whack job Charlie Scheen in the winning department!