Jake Funny Status Messages

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the information you needed to know? I said sure I have..... I got married.

   It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.

   It's so hot that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk.

   If it's alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?

   Why is it a man's opinion can be express in a few minutes. Where a woman's opinion takes an hour.

   Why is it so hard to get the sticky label off of a new non-stick frying pan?

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.

   Birth control pills are only tax deductable when they don't work.

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   To show my girlfriend I liked her cooking I had a second slice of her gravy.

   Old track star: "When I was young they use to time me with a stopwhatch. Now they use a hourglass."

   I ask my wife why she never blinks her eyes during sex. She said I never had the time.

   Claustrophobic people are more productive outside of the box.

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.

   Got gas today for a $1.39....... unfortunately it was from Taco Bell.

   Women have foreheads so you have somewhere to kiss them after a BJ .

   When prince charming kisses a teenage girl in a coma he's a romantic hero. When I do it I'm a pervert.