GaryKoenig Funny Status Messages

   Everyone needs a sarcastic, smart mouth friend. I am so happy to be of service to you all!

   Last night I demanded to speak to the chef because my salad was dry. It was a situation that needed addressing.

   I don't feel like I'm getting older. It's more like my warranty has expired and my parts are wearing out.

   I want a restraining order on everyone who doesn't wear deodorant.

   I don't care how old I get. If I'm in a store and I see a toy with "Try Me" on it, I'm pushing those buttons.

   Can someone update me on what's offensive today? It's hard to keep up.

   Remember when teachers used to say, "You won't have a calculator everywhere you go?" Well, we showed them.

   Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

   If you're arguing loudly on your phone in public, please put it on speaker. I need to hear both sides of the story.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kid's meals are $250.00.

   I need a scary movie that's gonna make me paranoid for the rest of my life.

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?