DYLAN BOSCH Funny Status Messages

   I'm a little tea pot, short and stout... Consequently, my brother the beer keg gets all the chicks."

   Not that I'm complaining, but I think the sales lady at the furniture store misunderstood when I told her I wanted one nightstand."

   Inside me there is a thin, blonde, glamourous woman. But that's just because I lost a bet at a sorority party and had to eat a barbie doll."

   I do not understand how a phone that starts your car can be a selling point. If someone steals your phone, they not only have your car, but more than likely your facebook, which let's face it, is scarier than losing a car.

   No, I'm not "done sleeping." In fact, I will never be done sleeping, I'm merely taking a break in order to earn money so that I may keep my bed in its current, climate-controlled location.

   Any story you tell about something you did the night before, that starts with the word "Apparently," is probably awesome."

   Misunderstanding one word can make all the difference - like the time my girlfriend said that she'd like me to splurge on her occasionally."

   if Osama really did believe that he was getting all those virgin's after death,.. umm.. then why the f*ck was he hiding for ten years?"

   justin bieber is still alive :(

   I saw some footage of some polar bears drinking water... it's obviously fake. Everybody knows they only drink Coca-Cola."

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"'s you up like a "G" :)

   This is one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected.. Happy St. Patty's Day!!"

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."

   had lucky charms for breakfest. I take this day very seriously."

   so the technology exists allowing us to watch TV and movies in 3-D or HD, but when it comes to security camera footage it still looks like it's being shot with the camera from Blair Witch Project."

   Pluto was rejected from the planet category because of its crooked orbit; even our solar system kicks the stumbling drunk guy out of the party."

   do you think that butterflies get tattoo's of women's butts?"

   If you didn't hear it with your OWN ears or see it with your OWN eyes, don't go passing it on with your OWN mouth!"

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."