BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   I can imagine homeless people aren't the biggest fans of little dogs wearing sweaters?

   When you can't be a good example, at least serve as a horrible warning.

   So many things that younger generations aren't able to do now: make prank phone calls, play outside at all hours, tell time, tie shoes.

   I tried slicing fruit mid-air with my samurai sword like a ninja, but the fruit just fell on the floor and the police tasered me in Wal Mart.

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   You play your Candy Crush. I'll play with myself.

   I wish I was as carefree as my Step Son's, picking their noses and then tapping away on MY keyboard!!!!

   Nothing ruins a good porn like a malnourished donkey

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.

   I've never sky dived before, but I have zoomed in REAL FAST on Google Earth!!

   The Karate Kid would be a shorter movie if Daniel had just bought a gun

   So one of the kids shouted "TIGGA PLEASE!"..... and that's the story of why my wife doesn't let me watch Winnie The Pooh with the kids anymore.

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   I just put cheese spread on a Cheez-It and now I understand quantum physics.

   Wife: You left your Facebook account open and-- Me: *bites down on cyanide capsule*