life Funny Status Messages

   Stop being a butthole. There. Now I’m your life coach.

   Life in Kentucky is weird, for example we can't make ice anymore because the old lady with the recipe died

   Some people wonder what the meaning of life is. Some people wonder if we're alone in the universe. Me? I'm just sitting here wondering whose job it is to grease the bearings on the Price is Right wheel...

   Marriage tip: If you need to ask your husband a question, but he's playing video games, simply unplug the wireless router. This will teach him that he needs to listen to you, and keep you as the center of his life.

   Life is not fair. But it's not fair for everybody. So really it IS fair.

   Life lesson #35890: You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window.

   Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

   ell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans. Live a little.. Life is too short!

   I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.

   Life is really just a big game of pushing the trash down until the next person gives in and takes it out.

   I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

   Let's face it, your life's probably not all that exciting if you're looking at your phone all the time updating how exciting it is.

   You can’t stay young forever, but you can be immature for the rest of your life.

   I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.

   I don’t usually think about what I say before I say it. I prefer to think about it after I’ve said it, late at night, for the rest of my life.

   My only real accomplishment in life is knowing all the words to "Gilligan's Island" (beginning and end)

   If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.