Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't stand for women's rights. I sit for them... and have them bring me a sandwich and a beer.

   Clocks go back on November 3. I hope mine goes back to when people had morals, values, loyalty, appreciation, and respect.

   If a liars pants really did catch on fire, watching the news would be a lot more fun!

   To all politicians: Keep sending me texts and I can promise you one thing - I won't be voting for you!

   I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, put it down and said, "If it gives you more trouble let me know".

   To be a parent you have to be very patient who here considers themselves to be very impatient. Me too

   They warn you not to drink the battery contents because the previous generation did

   I went scuba diving once and the instructor pointed out a shark and I swam toward it. When we got back up top on the boat he asked, "I pointed out a shark and you swam toward it? What the fuck?" Without missing a beat my wife said, "He's been swimming to

   What is the fastest way to calm a woman down when she is angry?

   If you think you are smarter than the previous generation...50 years ago the owners manual of a car showed you how to adjust the valves. Today it warns you not to drink the contents of the battery.

   My roomba just beat me to a Cheeto that I dropped on the floor. This is how the war against machines begins.

   Told my supervisor I'm coming in on Halloween as a ghost. I'll be here. You just won't see me.

   1 down, 98 to go!- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

   I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers. Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.

   Some say the 1950s were not so great when it came to racism. Okay, so we fixed that. So, how about you blakcs step up and stop being naggers already.

   I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.

   My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar Current government: You’re hired

   You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

   If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.

   Maybe if we over-paid our teachers and under-paid our Pop artists their would be better education and less bad music.