Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we spend so much time looking for intelligent life on other planets? I'd be happy to find intelligent life here in Government first.

   I hope I never get renal failure. I've really come to enjoy having a functioning renus.

   If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's a drunk white woman having her picture taken in the club.

   "You look happy. Let me see what I can do about that" Sincerely your Ex

   Sending my regards to Seal. Hopefully, this won't scar him for life.

   Happiness comes from the changes we make for ourselves, not the changes that people want from us.

   I don't want to offend anyone, but this FB app everyone seems to be doing, you know the one with the #1 song played the day you were born, well I really think some of these should be shown on an 8 track or LP instead of a cassette...

   Deny,Deny,Deny..If they aint got pictures,they aint got sh*t!

   I hate it when foreign numbers call my cell asking: "Hi, who is this??" ...You're the one that frickin called, why don't you tell me?

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   Sex is like school .. you miss a period & you're in trouble.

   Whenever my girlfriend gives me stuff to do I just add it to my bucket list.

   Just saw a pic of some light skinned black girls in thongs titled "Red Tails".

   Imodium AD: When you need to get your sh!t together.

   Do drugs!!" - Reverse psychology drug prevention program

   There is nothing worse than watching the new guy at Subway make your sandwich.

   College is just a clever marketing ploy by Starbucks and Red Bull

   I have 2 missed calls from my mother. I think it's safe to say that by now there's a rescue team out there looking for me.

   I used some Special Shampoo to increase the volume of my Hair. Now it's so loud I can't hear myself think.

   I just sent out my daily 6am text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I'm going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up."