Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   Think I'm about to have a boregasm.

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   I became the employee of the month at Pizza Hut just by flirting. So... You like breadsticks?

   I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

   My tip for you working professional's out there- If you job requires you to use a computer, Maybe you should learn the basic functions of a computer- for instance- TURNING THE F&CKING THING ON

   Valentine Day Cancelled!!! ...Mathematical Proof - 14-02-12 = 0

   Valentine's day: Dinner for two: $80. Movie: $60. Flowers: $85. Gold Necklace: $250. Hotel room: $150 OR a Prostitute: $100! You decide.

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   Before I post a joke on twitter I tell it to my windmill... He is a HUGE fan.

   Not liking someone does not make you a hater. Speaking about it all the time, even when nobody asks you, makes you a hater.

   What is more annoying than Valentine's Day? The people that won't shut the hell up about how much they hate Valentine's Day.”

   To make a long story short...I walk away.

   If you are my girlfriend and you are too broke to buy me anything special for Valentine's, a cooked meal and you for desert will suffice.

   Do you answer the call or do you revel in the power when someone calls out begging for toilet paper

   My "I hate you" face must look very similar to my "tell me more" face. I'll have to work on that.

   Wife math: "it was like 100 bucks" = it was at least $250.00.

   Girls who are on the same menstrual cycle as their friends should basically be referred to as gang members. That's how dangerous they are.

   Secret to using the best approach when attempting to engage in conversation with me ... don't.

   If I'm not in your "top stories" when you open Facebook, then your Facebook is broken! ~ Me, probably.