Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In high school I was voted class clown because I dragged like three kids into the sewer

   Since drinking hasn’t killed me yet, I can only assume it’s making me stronger...

   If you drop a cookie on the floor and bend down to pick it up does that count as a squat?

   "Welcome to my man cave". Proctologist: "Please stop calling it that"

   Went on a date last night and after it was over she said “Thank you for wearing a mask.” Honesty wasn’t sure how to take that. 😐

   Another problem with being ugly is people think you can fight

   I would probably be in a gang right now if I could stay up past 10pm.

   If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

   That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

   When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

   We’re finally out of lockdown!!! Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary sh*t.

   I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

   The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

   I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

   ‘Why do birds suddenly appear’ is my favorite song about a group of people giving me the finger while I’m driving.

   I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

   What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

   Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

   Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.

   Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better. Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!