Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   great day, everyone stared at my ass....then I found out I had a cheerio stuck right where my hole would be

   These American Idol constestants are going down more then a porn star at an orgy.

   just took my dog for a walk, long story short, my neighbor sleeps naked

   dollar menus giving ramen noodles a run for their money

   ID television for insomniacs who dont like info-mercials

   really impressed with size of the coconuts on Survior this season. wow!

   Happy "Morning After Pill" International Day!

   Saw a headline that read 'Woman beats off rapist' and thought.. Well that seems like a reasonable compromise.

   I noticed a lot of celebrities seem to drown in the bathtub...Perhaps a business that tattoos "industrial grade" sand strips to their asses is in order. I'm looking for investors! ツ

   Raise your hand if you remember Carlos Mencia. Okay, now slap yourself.

   I put a lock on my bathroom door. I don't want anyone stealing my chit.

   just asked my son - where would you be without your mother? His answer: "Probably in the middle of traffic, without my jacket on, talking to some stranger."

   wonders when child abuse became television entertainment..oh wait, its called dance moms..oh, ok then

   Nice try Folgers... but the best part of waking up is realizing it is your day off and going back to bed.

   Today marks Valentine's Day of Silence…..it is for women who did not receive flowers, chocolates, cards etc....on Valentine….

   if the storage wars guyz priced hoarders stuff....well...helloooo mr rockefeller..cha ching

   Having trouble getting onto your horse? Simply ride up beside it on your giraffe and then jump down.

   i'd be willin to bet not one of those swamp people EVER thought they'd have their own show

   If you fart while you're peeing on your significant other, it's called a golden thunderstorm.

   There was an Amber Alert the other day. I thought it meant that the stores were out of beer.