Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

   opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve

   My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

   A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

   Does everyone have that neighbour who fixes his car every weekend, even though nothing is wrong with it? That’s twitter in human form.

   Date: I’m sorry, I can’t see you anymore Waldo: Oh sorry that always happens when I stand next to a barber pole

   In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

   The vaccine shot was promised to be ready today. Where can I go to get the shot?

   The election is rigged...unless I win

   What a great Halloween. Thanks for giving us the night off Covid!

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   With the pandemic just curious if anyone’s house got toilet papered or sprayed with Lysol last night.

   Have to say this is the first time just about everyone's wearing a mask on Halloween.

   What's the difference if someone with mental illness come at you with a knife vs someone without mental illness comes at you with a knife?

   My favourite Celine Dion song is the one where it's muted all the way through.

   They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

   Since hockey has been cancelled, nobody has seen the Zamboni driver. But I’m sure he will resurface eventually .

   I used my husband’s deodorant, so if you need me to explain how to throw a football I can do that for you.

   Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.

   *at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin* Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure