Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You’ve been married more than 10 years so when your husband says he has big plans for you tomorrow he means he needs help cleaning the gutters

   The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.

   It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

   My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.

   Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

   I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.

   I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

   Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

   I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

   Mandating masks outdoors is like mandating seatbelts when you’re not in a car.

   I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!

   if life was real, how come you’ve never seen your neighbours bring in their groceries??

   I’m really thankful I had a childhood before social media took over.

   Which wines pair best with gloating?

   The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.

   Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

   Her: You don't make me cum. Me: You don't make me cum either. It's the sick, twisted thoughts in my head that make me cum. You're just the receptacle I shoot it into.

   ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile* “And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!” ~ Karma Chameleon

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.