Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 3948 of 6446

Too late to hunt buffalo, too early to fight robots, what a d!ckless generation I was born into.

Due to the ever changing musical landscape, we may never know who rocked the party that rocked your body.

Can you smell that? That's fresh-brewed coffee mixed with Friday...delicious!
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02-17-2012 09:28 by Maureen
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Sometimes, I drive by the schoolyard and scream "STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!" to white kids playing basketball.
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02-17-2012 09:25 by SEAN
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If you think your wife has a great sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes. #fail
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02-17-2012 09:21 by SEAN
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had a run in with a pit bull, once they get a hold they jus wont let go until you're just a quivering and screaming like a girl.....the dog was fine, it was the owner who ripped me to shreds defending the breed.
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02-17-2012 09:20
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The way I see it, EVERY Friday is Good Friday.
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02-17-2012 06:27 by Mickey
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I may be Schizophrenic.......but at least I have each other.
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02-17-2012 04:39
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You're a true 90's kid if you've ever heard someone say "Get off the phone, I have to use the Internet."
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02-17-2012 03:48
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INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it.

It's scary to think nothing can kill that 0.01% germ.

for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"
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02-17-2012 00:45
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going to the bar horny is like going grocery shopping on an empty stomach, you always come home with more than you needed
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02-17-2012 00:43
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Young guys with beards are always secretly sad when you talk to them & don't compliment their beard.
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02-17-2012 00:40 by Fadolo
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whenever your bored send this text to a random number.. "I hid the body."

Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!
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02-16-2012 23:33
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When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.
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02-16-2012 23:27
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i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings
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02-16-2012 23:23 by Eddy
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Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”
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02-16-2012 23:16
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i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again
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02-16-2012 23:15
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