Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   I invented four new karate moves while trying to get an automatic paper towel dispenser to work

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches

   Rap is what happens when you can't hold your bragging inside anymore.

   The bare toilet paper tube next to my open lap top tells you all you need to know about last night.

   How many times of day can you worry about being pecked to death by a flock of seagulls before it finally comes true?

   Never trust an Avon lady who doesn't wear any makeup. The whole thing is probably a front for her organ-harvesting business.

   LOVE putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They're so warm and cozy, and it's fun to scan the laundromat and guess whose they are.

   I wonder how long I'd be on hold if my call wasn't important to them..

   I'd be 100 % more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.

   I've never had personalized license plates, but don't worry, I still know how to waste most of my discretionary income.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   New Years Resolution #1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.

   They say money can't buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.

   You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo?

   My flyswatter is such a buzz kill

   I'd like to see the tambourine make a roaring comeback into modern music.

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary-then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is!

   I just hung a stocking by my chimney but instead of using "care" I hung it with total disregard for human safety.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.