Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can predict the future, for example, sıɥʇ pɐǝɹ oʇ sʎɐʍǝpıs pɐǝɥ ɹnoʎ uɹnʇ pןnoʍ noʎ ʍǝuʞ I

   Don't be like a Pilgrim this Thanksgiving going around spreading disease.

   Mother Nature gave man a set of balls solely to propagate the species. God gave man a set of balls solely for scratching.

   all I wanna do is [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] [gunshot noise] move to a safer neighborhood

   I slept like a log, which means my underside was moist and bugs kept crawling up my crack.

   I have sychic powers. For example, right now you’re thinking, “it’s psychic.”

   Had too much to think last night

   I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os

   Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.

   Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

   Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

   Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

   Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

   sometimes when cartoons are playing other cartoons’ skeletons like a xylophone, the same rib makes two different sounds

   I don’t wish death on anyone, but I do wish malicious glitter on many.

   If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now

   Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling* Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

   my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code. nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

   If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

   I’d be so lost without a sense of humor I don’t know how most of you do it